


She's Mine

by lauraeluv4



Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-10-12 23:43:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10501926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lauraeluv4/pseuds/lauraeluv4
Summary: A year after Wes Gibbon's untimely death and three months after the birth of their baby, Laurel Castillo is still feeling as though things may never get better. She has isolated herself from the rest of the world, leaving room for only two people: her daughter and her best friend Michaela Pratt. But what will happen  when Laurel realizes that Michaela is spending all of her time trying to care for the two of them to the point that she is neglecting to think of herself? And when something shifts inside of Michaela and she begins seeing Laurel  as someone that she needs how will she ever go about admitting that to her already closed off and broken friend? Do the two have the means within them to fix one another or will they just end up getting destroyed in the process of figuring it out?





	1. Chapter 1

She was supposed to be a boy. Everyone had been counting on it, betting that this would be God or the universes way of keeping his memory alive. Laurel’s only job was to carry and deliver him and to name him Wes. That’s what she told herself the entire 9 months she’d thought he was a boy, she hadn’t even bothered to ask the gender because she knew. She hadn’t thought that she would love the baby boy that she was expecting to give birth to, to be able to hold him in her arms and look at him and call him Wes and feel anything but pain. She would not be this child’s mother, just a messenger who had only ever really loved the man and not his son. Not their son.

But by some sort of other force in the universe, one that Laurel was grateful for, everyone had been wrong. About everything. 

She came into the world screaming at 7:52 in the morning, screaming with Laurel, just like Laurel. And when Laurel held her, she felt like she was hers. She looked like she belonged to Laurel, like she wasn’t there to commemorate her father’s legacy but to save her mother. She was not some symbol or ironic shrine, she was perfectly human and Laurel loved every part of her from the very minute she heard her cry. 

She’d went without a name her first day in the world because she was supposed to be Wes and she had been the opposite. Laurel still wanted to honor him in some way, feeling him and missing him and longing for him to be there with her to meet the precious thing they’d created. The next day, Michaela had suggested changing the spelling from Wesley to Wesleigh, saying that it could still work for a little girl. 

At first Laurel hated the name, it felt wrong and a little corny but then she looked down at her, at the baby in her arms with no name and no real ties to her father aside from her tanned skin and curly brown hair. She said the name out loud to her and she smiled the way he used to. Both corners of her tiny mouth went up and set high like his used to and Laurel swore it felt like he was there in the room with them. She knew from then on that it didn’t matter what she was supposed to be, all that mattered was who she turned out to be and that she had come there resembling him just enough so that Laurel would know that he was still somehow alive in the both of them.

She’d chosen the name for herself and now three months later, Laurel could not imagine calling her baby girl by anything other than Wesleigh. 

Now, a year after her father’s death, Laurel holds her in her arms and feels that swell inside of her that she’d sworn her entire pregnancy would not exist. Still in disbelief of it all but most importantly that she’d ever doubted that she’d be able to love her. She loved her daughter more than she ever loved Wes or even herself.

Aside from the color of her skin a few shades lighter than her fathers, the curls on her head a bit more defined than his were, and the smile just like his that Laurel will sometimes spend hours trying to coax out of her just to see it, Wesleigh is every bit her child. 

She has the eyes like her, sad and blue, and the lips and the nose and the head and everything else that Laurel sees in herself when she looks in the mirror. Only she thinks that Wesleigh is the most beautiful girl she’s ever seen in her life and she could never give herself that kind of title even if they are like spitting images of one another. 

She runs her thumb along her soft face gently. Watching her small chest rise up and down, breathing when she breathes and holding her breath in the brief moments that she doesn’t. If it had been up to her, she would’ve never chosen this. She would’ve never chosen to subject Wesleigh to this life and to the burden that comes with just knowing her. But she knew that she had to have at least a little piece of Wes after he was gone, that the world deserved someone at least half the amazing person that he was. And today, on the anniversary of his death Laurel feels two things: an empty, throbbing, aching want for the former love of her life and an unchanging, overflowing, unconditional love for his daughter. 

She wants to cry but she doesn’t, has shed enough tears that even the thought of crying makes her sick more than this day does. Instead she lifts Wesleigh up so that they are at eye level and brings her close to place a kiss to her cheek. When Laurel moves her back again she is still asleep like she had been but she is smiling.

Seeing that smile makes today feel like a blessing and not the worst day of her life. 

She hears a knock on the door then and places Wesleigh gently on her shoulder before getting up to answer it. She doesn’t check through the peep hole because she already knows who it is. 

When she opens the door she says “You need to stop trying to check up on me” to the girl on the other side of it. 

“I didn’t come here to see you.” She says as Laurel steps aside to allow her to come in. She immediately reaches for Wesleigh and Laurel gives her up without a fight “I came to see this little cutie.” She says in a baby voice that Laurel has only ever heard her use with Wesleigh. She holds her up and makes more overtly childish tones at her as she walks over to the couch in Laurel’s living room and sits down. 

Laurel closes the door and then looks at the two of them, sighs “Michaela.” She says, calling her bluff.

Michaela only looks up at her and shrugs. Laurel rolls her eyes and goes to sit next to her on the couch. She watches Michaela as Michaela stares intently at Wesleigh, searching her little face for what Laurel already knows is some part of Wes. She shakes her head “She looks so much like you.” She says almost sadly but Laurel isn’t offended, knowing what she means.

Laurel nods “I know, but…” she moves closer to them and takes her pointer finger and places it on Wesleigh’s stomach “Watch.” She says as she scratches up and down until Wesleigh is smiling again in her sleep. 

Michaela gasps “Dimples.” She breathes as she uses her own finger to trace the deep indent on the side of one of Wesleigh’s tan cheeks. She looks to Laurel “Those weren’t there yesterday.” She observes. 

“I know.” Laurel says, still looking at Wesleigh and taking the hand that had been on her stomach and brushing it lightly over the curls on her head “He would’ve adored her.” Laurel says absent mindedly. She can feel Michaela’s eyes on her but she doesn’t turn her attention from Wesleigh. 

She knows that Michaela knows that she’s avoiding her and that if she really wanted to she could get Laurel to open up but she doesn’t try. Michaela doesn’t push Laurel to do or feel things the way everyone else does, it’s one of the reasons Laurel hasn’t tried to push her away yet. 

That and she feels like Michaela cares about her just as much as she cares about Wesleigh.

It’s why Laurel never fights her when she shows up multiple times a day to see the both of them and calls to make sure Laurel’s eaten and scolds her when she says that she hasn’t. She’ll come over in the morning and they’ll obsess over whatever cute thing Wesleigh did that day or Laurel will wake in the middle of the night to feed her and find Michaela still there, asleep on her couch, always watching over them. And in the very rare moments when Wesleigh is not near them, in another room asleep, Michaela is still there to make Laurel feel like she is still somehow apart of the outside world. To share stories or make her laugh or sit next to her on the couch and watch reruns of Golden Girl’s. 

Michaela is always there and Laurel never has to say that she needs her for her to know. Just like she never needed an invitation to stick around when everyone else got bored and left two months ago. 

She is still looking at Laurel and finally Laurel sighs and reaches for Wesleigh “I’m going to put her down.” She says quickly as she picks her up and walks to her room. She places her gently in the bassinet next to her bed and then goes back out to Michaela. 

She is sitting there, her head resting in her hand, shoulder resting on the back of Laurel’s couch. Laurel sighs again and then plops down next to her, running her hands over her face and groaning “Please don’t make me do this, Michaela.” She whines. 

“I’m not trying to make you do anything I just…” Laurel can tell she’s hesitating but then feels her hand land on her arm supportively. She squeezes and Laurel doesn’t pull away “Today is a sad day, you’re allowed to be sad.” She says and Laurel removes her hands from her face and turns to her. 

“I don’t want to feel sad. I don’t want to feel anything or think about anything or talk about anything. I just...” she is flustered and Michaela moves her hand from her arm to her face where she pushes a stray strand of her hair behind her ear. Laurel hates that Michaela can make her want to do the things she claims she doesn’t want to do without saying anything. She hates how the fact that she doesn’t want to feel anything or do anything or talk about anything is true with everyone except Michaela. That Michaela is the only person that she ever wants to be human with or maybe the only person that she can’t pretend with. She doesn’t know, if everything that she feels with Michaela is because she wants to because she trusts her or because she has no control over who she is when Michaela is around. That she can’t be anyone else but who she is when Michaela is around.  
She doesn’t know and any other day she wouldn’t care but today she just wants Michaela to be like everyone else in her life besides Wesleigh because today she doesn’t want to be human. Everything already hurts bad enough. 

Michaela doesn’t wait any longer for Laurel to tell her what she wants because most of the time she already knows. Instead, she grabs Laurel’s arm again and pulls her closer to her as she leans back. Laurel knows what to do then, is used to this, and places her head on Michaela’s chest. Michaela wraps her arms around Laurel and holds her, resting her head on top of Laurel’s. 

Laurel is used to the sound of Michaela’s heart beat by now and she closes her eyes as she listens. She doesn’t say anything about Wes or how much she misses him though she does. She doesn’t want to do anything but lay against Michaela’s chest and she doesn’t want to feel anything but her heart beat against her ear.  
Michaela doesn’t push her or try to get her to open up because she doesn’t have to. She is already inside, already knows everything Laurel is feeling and everything she wants to say.


	2. Chapter 2

She is usually sweet but in the morning it is always amplified. Michaela spends more nights and early mornings in her apartment than she does at her own place because she doesn’t want to leave them alone, and so she sees Laurel in pure form a lot. And in the morning, when the sun has barely risen and she has Wesleigh in her arms and the glow that Wesleigh has given her on her face she’s a completely different type of what Michaela would never admit out loud. Beautiful. 

This morning, she comes into the living room childless and of course Michaela is already up, if Laurel is up then she’s up. Laurel leans over the couch like she always does, and pokes her gently through the comforter that Michaela usually uses when she stays over. 

Michaela groans and pulls the covers up to her chin.

She pokes her again “Get out.” She says but even that comes out soft and sweet. 

Michaela simply pulls the covers over her head entirely and turns her back to Laurel. She giggles and leans onto the couch “Come on, you have to go. You have class.” And the fact that even though it is the crack of dawn and the baby is asleep Laurel still got out of bed to make sure she is not late for class makes Michaela take the covers off her head and look at her.

Even her actions are more selfless in the morning. 

And her attitude above all else is always positive. It makes Michaela, who is usually cranky all the time, want to be nicer. Being around Laurel has turned her into the type of person she’d despised just a year ago. The type she’d considered weak and easily manipulated. 

Being around Laurel the past year and seeing the way she’s fought has made her admire those types. The types that can meet the love of their life only to have him die suddenly and still find a way to be happy afterwards. The types that can be left alone to raise their daughter by themselves and doesn’t let that stop them from being a good parent. The types that never really seem to run out of the desire to grow and get better even as life tries to crush them. The types that give real, in the moment feeling to sunshine whenever they enter a room, even at 7:00 in the morning. 

Michaela had never really paid much attention to Laurel or Wes simply because the fact that they were always chipper, glass half-full types annoyed her. It wasn’t until after Wes died that she began regretting the fact that she took his constant concern and care for everyone including her for granted. And it wasn’t until she saw Laurel, a woman that Michaela had rarely seen break a sweat even in the midst of their scariest moments, hit her breaking point that she began regretting taking her for granted as well.  
And so Michaela vowed that she’d stay with her, help her find her way back to herself, be there for her when she needed it for as long as she needed it. She never expected to need anything from Laurel along the way. But over time, as she watched Laurel regain her old self and become a new mother Michaela began noticing things about her that sometimes amazed her. 

Laurel Castillo had to be the most loving, kind-hearted human being she’d ever met in her life. Michaela already knew that but it became more evident once Wesleigh was born. Laurel had displayed a type of unconditional, indescribable love for her daughter from the minute she was born. It was a type of love that Michaela had never experienced herself so witnessing it in someone like Laurel, a person who would willingly take the ugly parts of the world and embrace them with kindness already, to someone like Wesleigh, brand new, precious and untouched by the hardships of life, it felt almost magical. 

It made Michaela want to soften up and love and care for someone, anyone, like that. 

And seeing what Laurel had gone through, knowing what losing Wes felt like to her, and a year later seeing that shine that she’d always had about her still there on her face it made Michaela want to try harder. Because more than any method of avoiding pain Michaela had ever used, she knew choosing to smile through it had to be the hardest and yet Laurel managed to do it and makes it look easy still. 

She is the strongest person Michaela has ever met in her life and today, more than yesterday or the day before that, Michaela desires to be like her. That type of person.  
She takes a deep breath and sits up slowly because if the woman who is probably only running on two hours of sleep can get up then so can she. She puts her elbow on the back of the couch and rests her head against her hand “You should be coming with me.” 

Laurel simply sighs “Can’t, I have to be mommy.” She shrugs like it’s a bittersweet truth but it’s still okay.

“You can be both.” She says even though they’ve had this conversation before and she’s never been able to convince her

“I will, just not right now. I just want to be with Wesleigh right now, she needs me more.” And there it is again, that selfless decision making. That person that Michaela doesn’t know if she’ll ever be able to be if she ever finds herself in a situation like Laurel’s. She’s never been a mother, barely ever knew a real one, and has only always had to live for herself, and likes it. Someone putting the needs of their child before their own is weird to her and so she often mistakes Laurel’s self-sacrificing as forced. She has to remind herself constantly that Laurel puts Wesleigh before herself all of the time because she loves Wesleigh more than she loves herself.

Michaela admires this about Laurel as well but she also looks at it as an opportunity to make sure that if Laurel can’t look out for herself because she has to look out for Wesleigh that she’s going to do it for her. But to keep up with Laurel Castillo, you have to be twice as smart and twice as on top of your game. 

Michaela looks at it like a challenge, always watching Laurel’s back if she can’t and sometimes even if she can. She spends most of her time outside of class with Laurel and Wesleigh because she wants to be there if Laurel ever needs her. She also knows that Laurel gets lonely sometimes and so Michaela stays around her even when the baby isn’t there to keep her company, to make sure she knows that even if Wesleigh had never been thought of that Michaela would still be there for her. 

It doesn’t hurt that the moments where she is around the two of them are the moments where she always feels the most free. Laurel, in general, is a very chill, relaxed person and aside from the newborn baby features Wesleigh is almost exactly the same way.

So Michaela nods and then pushes the covers off of her. She stands up, stretches and begins making up her makeshift cot on the couch. 

Laurel stands up as well and watches her for a second before saying “If you’re going to sleep over every night you might as well just sleep in my bed, it’s much more comfortable.” She doesn’t wait for Michaela to respond and turns to go back to her room. 

Michaela watches her as she walks away and smiles, not because Laurel is okay with her being over all of the time or because she is concerned about her comfort when Michaela is the one crashing in her already too small one bedroom apartment. 

More than any other reason Laurel could give her, she is smiling because she leaves all of that good behind so that Michaela can still feel the sunshine when she’s gone. She never liked bright things too much before but after a year with Laurel she has her mind focused on the day just so that she can get back to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this is my first time using AO3 and I wasn't sure what the layout was. If anyone was confused this is a multichapter fic and the entire story is calle "She's Mine".


	3. Chapter 3

Sometimes she cannot believe where she is, that she somehow survived it all, that she is still somehow surviving. 

She’d almost lost sight of who she was after Wes died, became obsessed with finding his killer and making them pay, thinking that was going to fill up the emptiness inside of her. She would’ve kept looking, kept hiring private investigators, kept trying to figure out the pieces that fit into their nightmare ending she’d come to know too well. She would’ve went forever until it ate her up from the inside out had it literally not been for Wesleigh. By her second trimester Laurel was too tired to continue her search, she could not revisit the fact that Wes really was gone and that his death was unfair and uncalled for and still like a complete shock to everyone but most importantly to her. The fetus growing inside of her was reminder enough. 

Giving up her search felt like something she needed to do, like the truth would’ve been too heavy had she found it. Giving up also meant that she’d have to accept never knowing, forever feeling unsatisfied, like she never got Wes the justice he deserved and that realization had her severely depressed by her third trimester.

She felt so hopeless, so lonely, so discontented that she began literally hating the person living inside of her. She’d often have thoughts that scared her, thoughts that no person should ever have about anyone let alone their own unborn child, thoughts she only shared with Michaela. 

She felt slighted, like she didn’t deserve the fate she’d been cursed with. That she had been forced to carry a child that she never wanted when the only thing she longed for was for Wes to be alive again, to be there. She would’ve gladly traded her unborn child’s life for Wes’s and the fact that she couldn’t made her so angry that she couldn’t even fathom it. 

And the worst part of it was that Laurel couldn’t even get rid of the source of her feelings because she was too far into her pregnancy to terminate it. 

So she had to carry the baby inside of her to term, spent 9 months completely out of it, hating what she was going through and hating herself for being unable to find any love for her child. She hoped that something would change after she finally gave birth and got to see the kid’s face and touch them. Maybe she wouldn’t have to be so miserable and lonely and depressed anymore, maybe the kid she was carrying would come into the world and save her life. 

That was the only thought that Laurel had throughout her entire pregnancy that ended up being correct. After 17 hours of the worst pain she’d ever felt, she met the physical representation of relief. Looking down at Wesleigh’s face literally felt like staring into the eyes of grace. She’d been more sated and satisfied in that first meeting alone than she’d been her entire life. Holding the person she’d thought would ruin her life close to her gave Laurel strength to come alive again. To find who she truly was again. To breathe again.  
It’s because of all that that she knows she has to devote everything she is to being Wesleigh’s mother. It is Wesleigh before anything else or anyone else and Laurel never complains or regrets having her anymore because if it had not been for her daughter she would’ve completely lost her mind. 

She is willing to sacrifice her social life, her freedom, and put a hold on her career for Wesleigh because she would be nowhere if it had not been for her. Laurel is happy with just being someone’s mom and nothing else but she understands that it is a huge commitment so she won’t let anyone else sacrifice themselves along with her. 

That’s why when Michaela came over like she always does after doing whatever she had to do that day and began telling Laurel about how she’d been invited with a group of people to go drinking Laurel forced her to go. In the year since Michaela and Laurel became conjoined at the hip Michaela’s given up almost all of her weekends to spend time at her apartment. At first, Laurel was thankful for the constant company because she didn’t like being alone. Then Wesleigh was born around the same time as the new semester started and Laurel began noticing Michaela passing up opportunities to go out and have fun just to be with them. She’d barely left their sides those first four weeks of Wesleigh’s life and Michaela’s still around a lot but has to spend more time away than before because she’s now tackling a job and school. 

Laurel doesn’t want Michaela thinking that she has to give up her social life just because she had to give up hers because at the end of the day she has no real ties to Wesleigh or Laurel. Nothing is keeping her from being free and Laurel wants her to know that, wants her to embrace it because even if she is completely content with her new life she knows that from the outside looking in it seems like she’s trapped. She doesn’t want to subject Michaela to a life of isolation just because that’s the life she’s living now that she’s a mom. 

Still, spending her Friday night without Michaela has been unusual for Laurel. She cannot deny the very real fact that when Michaela isn’t around, even if she’s just going to class for an hour and a half or stopping by her apartment to pick up clothes, Laurel still misses her. She misses having someone to talk to and joke with and argue about little things with. She loves her daughter dearly but Laurel misses real adult contact every single time Michaela’s not there. 

It’s why even after she manages to miraculously put Wesleigh down at 11 PM that she stays awake because she wants to be up when Michaela gets back. To hear if she had a good time and if it was worth the Friday night and if she loved and missed her freedom being a young adult with no responsibility so much that she’d rather go out than stay in with them. She sits up in her bed and watches Golden Girls and doesn’t laugh as hard as she waits for Michaela.

She calls at about one in the morning and Laurel answers it almost immediately “Hello?” she whispers.

Michaela doesn’t say hi back but instead asks “Is Wesleigh asleep?” 

“Yeah.” Laurel tells her and she hears Michaela say okay before the front door opens. Laurel hangs up the phone and is about to get out of bed to meet Michaela halfway but she is already at her door by the time Laurel stands up.

She stands there, smiling and it makes Laurel chuckle “You had a good time I’m guessing.” She whispers and Michaela shakes her head.

“Not at all.” She whispers back with that same smile still on her face. She walks into the room and over to the bassinet where Wesleigh is sleeping. 

Laurel almost reaches out to stop her, knowing she’s drunk and not in the position to interact with a sleeping infant but Michaela doesn’t touch her or try to pick her up, just peers down at her with soft eyes “I missed this little angel.” She says sweetly and Laurel smiles before sitting down on her bed. Michaela turns around to face her and pouts “I was hoping she would be up when I got back.”

“She’ll be screaming soon enough. Don’t you worry.” Laurel says.

Michaela chuckles and walks around to the other side of the bed. Laurel looks over her shoulder and watches as she plops down and begins taking off her shoes. 

“How’d you get back here?” she asks and Michaela stops what she’s doing for a moment before answering.

“Asher.” She says without looking to Laurel.

At the sound of his name Laurel immediately raises her eyebrow. They’d broken up sometime during Laurel’s third trimester and Michaela didn’t want to talk about why and still doesn’t so Laurel doesn’t comment on the fact that he gave her a ride back to her place or that he was at the bar with her at all. She does wonder, inside her head, if that will become a thing again. She knows that if it does then she’ll really never see Michaela anymore.

Michaela sighs and then falls back onto Laurel’s bed “Please don’t ever make me do that again.” She groans and Laurel rolls her eyes.

“I didn’t make you do anything, Michaela.” 

Michaela looks at her and says “So literally begging me and then saying that if I didn’t you were going to ‘forget’ to register for next semester…that wasn’t you making me?”

Laurel shrugs “You still didn’t have to go.” She points out.

Michaela rolls over on her side “Whatever as long as you did it.” She looks up at Laurel again “You did it right?”

Laurel giggles and nods and Michaela sighs “Okay, good.” She says. 

Even if Laurel was only committing to one class and still wasn’t sure how she felt about having Michaela watch Wesleigh while she was gone she still had to admit that she was excited for the new semester and thankful for Michaela’s insistence that she go back to finish getting her law degree, no matter how long it might take or how busy she would be with Wesleigh. 

“But I don’t want to talk about that anymore.” She says as she brings her legs up onto the bed and looks down at Michaela who has her eyes closed. She pokes her side “Let me live vicariously through you, tell me everything you did.” 

Michaela opens her eyes and doesn’t look at Laurel at first. She takes a deep breath “Trust me, you wouldn’t like living vicariously through me, I’m a bore.” 

Laurel laughs and hits Michaela playfully on the arm “You are not. Shut up.” 

She scoffs “To you. I spent the whole night glued to my seat at the bar accepting drinks and rejecting advances.” 

“Why?” Laurel whines, pushing herself lower and propping her head up on her arm next to Michaela. 

“Because…” she begins as her eyes slowly find their way back to Laurel’s. They are low and a heavy, glossy brown. She swallows “My mind was here.” She says nervously probably already anticipating Laurel’s negative reaction.

She sucks her teeth and falls on her back “Oh my God, Michaela we were fine. I told you I don’t need you here babysitting me all the time.” 

This time Michaela is the one to punch Laurel in her arm but she is serious “You don’t think I know that, Laurel! I don’t think you need me at all and I wasn’t sitting at the bar worried the entire time like you can’t handle yourself. It wasn’t like that.” 

Laurel looks back at her like she doesn’t believe her “Then why else were you thinking about being here? Nothing ever happens in this boring apartment.”

“Because this is where I want to be. I’d rather spend my Friday nights with you and Wesleigh than anyone else at this point. That’s what I was thinking about the entire night, what you were doing and if Wesleigh did something monumental and I missed it. That’s all I could think about. The best things happen here. My favorite moments are in this boring apartment.” She is soft and sweet and sincere and Laurel is so thrown off by it that she doesn’t know what to say. She has never experienced Michaela like this, open and honest and heartfelt. She knows that if she wasn’t drunk she’d never be saying any of this and tomorrow she probably won’t admit to it but Laurel knows she’s telling the truth, speaking her heart. Laurel can’t continue to try to push her away, not when Michaela really wants to be here, when she gets as much out of them as they get out of her.

She is still speechless, just watching Michaela as Michaela watches her, wondering what to do next. Something crosses her mind just as she hears the beginnings of a post nap war cry coming from the bassinet. Michaela hears it too and they both get out of bed to tend to Wesleigh.


	4. Chapter 4

There are many perks that come along with sleeping in her bed rather than on her couch. For one, it’s ten thousand times more comfortable, it’s warmer, and Michaela likes waking up in the middle of the night, reaching around and finding her arm or the back of her neck or the base of her thigh even if it is by accident. She likes waking up disoriented and then finding Laurel still there asleep or at times awake beside her. She doesn’t usually enjoy sharing her space but in the night she would rather sleep with someone else than sleep alone, it is her one exception. 

She also just enjoys sleeping beside Laurel. 

In this moment, no one is asleep. The both of them are sitting up and Laurel is holding Wesleigh, feeding her a bottle. It is four in the morning and this is her second time waking up. 

Michaela also likes sleeping in Laurel’s bed rather than on the couch because when Wesleigh wakes up in the middle of the night she doesn’t have to go far at all to meet Laurel and stay up with her while she tends to whatever Wesleigh needs. 

Michaela watches Wesleigh as she eats, notes the pace at which she is sucking on the bottle Laurel is giving her. Her eyes are closed and her eyelashes are already long and curly though she is only four months old. She reaches forward hesitantly at first and she can tell that Laurel is watching her but she doesn’t stop her. Michaela places her hand gently on the bushel of soft, brown curls at the top of Wesleigh’s head and runs her fingers through them gently. She looks to Wesleigh’s tiny little hand then, wrapped around Laurel’s index finger. 

She takes the hand that she’d been using to brush over Wesleigh’s curls and extends her own pointer finger so that she can gently run it along Wesleigh’s hand. With every stroke against her balled up fist, the tip of Michaela’s finger briefly touches Laurel’s. Though small, the action feels more intimate than it should but Michaela doesn’t stop and Laurel doesn’t ask her to. 

She can feel Laurel looking at her and so she stops and rests her head against the headboard, meeting her eyes and taking a deep breath. She is tired but refuses to sleep, not until the both of them are asleep as well.

Of course Laurel notices this “Go to sleep.” She says in a sweet whisper but Michaela shakes her head, she does this every single night and Michaela wishes she would just stop already. She wants to be there every step of the way, even in the middle of the night, so that Laurel doesn’t have to go through any of it by herself. She doesn’t try anymore but instead sighs and rests her head against the headboard as well “Michaela, what is this?” she asks. 

Michaela raises a quizzical eyebrow “What do you mean?” she asks.

“I mean what is this? We spend all of our time together, eat our meals together, at night we go to sleep in the same bed, and you’re helping me raise my daughter. When did we get married?” 

Michaela chuckles and shrugs “I don’t know but marriage is bullshit, I like this better.” She says though she never even made it to her own nuptials before her relationship with Aidan crashed and burned to be the judge of anything. 

Still, whatever this is, no matter how domesticated and redundant it’s getting, it’s better than any relationship she’s ever been in. 

It’s easy and sure there are arguments here and there and the complications that come along with caring for an infant but Michaela never feels like she doesn’t want to be here. Marriage is bullshit, she still believes that, and she has no real romantic ties to Laurel at all but if whatever they have is anything like the real thing then she understands why people do it every day. 

Neither one of them speak any further, just gaze at one another, as Laurel continues to feed Wesleigh. This feels intimate as well but it isn’t uncommon for them especially not at this time when they’re both exhausted and would rather be sleeping but settle for staring instead. 

Michaela wonders at what point this all happened. What point did they get so comfortable with just being together without ever really saying anything? Had they skipped a step somewhere along the line, in all of the chaos and hurt and long nights since Wes had been killed? Is this all so much more than just Michaela wanting to be around because she wants to be there for Laurel? 

There’s a line somewhere in all of this but it’s blurred and Michaela feels like the two of them cross it often, hence the reason it feels like they’re married. She wonders what would happen if they just erased the line, if this all became something more than two best friends raising a child together, if it would even be possible without the line there.   
She looks at Laurel, watches the blue in her eyes, loves the blue in her eyes. She can imagine being with them like this forever and doesn’t want to think of a scenario where her days do not start and end with Laurel and Wesleigh. 

That has to mean something but with the line there everything just seems confusing and jumbled. She doesn’t take the first step in erasing, wants that to be a decision that they make together, when Laurel isn’t holding Wesleigh and it isn’t four in the morning. Instead, she settles for hopping over it, sweeping her hand beneath Laurel’s hair and gripping the back of her neck. She stares into her eyes another moment before she pulls her forward and kisses her forehead. 

Laurel doesn’t pull away or seem shocked or uncomfortable because this is not out of the ordinary for them. Instead, when Michaela pulls away and rests her head on Laurel’s shoulder she returns a kiss to the top of her hair before placing her cheek against it. 

Michaela closes her eyes, she won’t go to sleep until Laurel and Wesleigh are asleep but she relaxes still. She feels tired, staying up late, trying to get her work done, and getting to classes is straining. She’ll never admit it out loud though because she doesn’t want to give Laurel any reason to believe that this isn’t what she wants. 

Somewhere along the way that led them to this place, Michaela began dreaming less about her career success and more about late nights and early mornings and baby cries and kisses with subliminal meanings. 

It’s not like her to put anyone before herself, to not give her goals seniority over everything else but she also isn’t the same her she was a year ago. She is humbler now, much more aware of the fact that life is ruthless and unforgiven and it’s caused her to rearrange her steps. 

She still has dreams of being a prestigious attorney once law school is finished and has no plans on stopping until they are achieved but she also has dreams of a family now. Of children that she will put before herself and love the way she’s never felt loved by her own mother. Dreams of a place that she can come home to and just escape from the world outside, where she doesn’t have to be hard and tough, where she can be weak and honest and human. And more than anything and more than ever now she dreams of loving someone so much that she would literally do any and everything for them. Loving someone and never second guessing it and never wanting to spend any of her time with anyone else but that person even when she has no choice. 

Even with the blurred line there, Michaela knows that she didn’t start desiring any of this until she began spending her time with Laurel. Until she began observing her and the way she is with Wesleigh and the way she is with Michaela. None of it ever mattered until now. 

Michaela doesn’t know what lies beneath this veil that they’ve placed over their relationship that is preventing them from defining it and she doesn’t know how Laurel will feel if she tries to remove it or even how she will feel. She doesn’t know a lot of things and some things she doesn’t want to know but she is positive of one thing in this current moment: as Laurel rests her head against her and she rests her head against Laurel’s shoulder and Wesleigh rests in the crook of her arm, she knows that this feels real. It feels right and it feels like everything she’s looking for, everything she wants for her future. 

She knows that even if her and Laurel never make it anywhere past friendship and for some reason she is forced to leave her and Wesleigh that whatever comes next in her life, whoever comes along and tries to love her, if it doesn’t feel exactly the way it feels right now then she doesn’t want it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I think I'm just going to have this entire fic take place in Laurel's apartment cause I think it's really cute and also it feels like them.


	5. Chapter 5

If she weren’t around then Wesleigh would literally only really know one other person: Laurel. 

Things were different when she was first born, though. The first four weeks of her life had been filled with visits to the hospital and their apartment, calls and texts and facetimes, and a sudden concern and want to be involved all from people that Laurel had never even considered close friends. It was so out of the ordinary and so frequent in those first few weeks of Wesleigh’s life that it got annoying quickly. 

Luckily, it got annoying for them as well and they began distancing themselves the minute Wesleigh’s constant sleeping stopped being cute and began becoming boring. And when it was all said and done and everyone had retreated to their corners, away from Laurel and Wesleigh and their lives, she was still around. 

She still found everything Wesleigh did to be adorable and the both of them will still watch her while she sleeps and talk about how much she’s grown in just four months. Laurel is so grateful that Wesleigh has someone in her life that thinks she’s just as amazing as her mother does. 

Laurel is also grateful that as much as Michaela seems to love her, Wesleigh seems to feel the same way. 

Michaela is able to get Wesleigh to do things like smile so big that the corners of her tiny mouth touch the edges of her eyes. She was the first person to coax a laugh out of her when she was just a little over two months and now no matter who is around or even how hard Laurel tries nobody can make Wesleigh laugh as hard as Michaela can. 

Laurel knows that if Wesleigh were old enough to have a say that she’d want Michaela around and if it were anyone else aside from Wes she thinks that the fact that her daughter enjoys the company of someone else other than her would make her jealous. But with Michaela she doesn’t feel anything but content knowing that she’s around and that she loves Wesleigh and that Wesleigh loves her. 

Right now she is bent over the counter playing peek-a-boo with her while Laurel washes dishes. Every time she uncovers her eyes and yells “Boo!” Wesleigh shrieks and wiggles in her baby rocker. 

When Wesleigh giggles so does Michaela and it makes Laurel smile to herself. She doesn’t think the sound of laughter has ever made her happier than when it is coming from Wesleigh and Michaela. 

Laurel rinses the last dish in the sink and then shakes the excess water off of her hands before turning off the faucet “Okay.” She says as she goes to grab a kitchen towel from the counter beside her to dry her hands. She throws it back on the counter and joins Michaela in front of Wesleigh “It’s tummy time!” She says excitedly while taking Wesleigh’s feet into her hands and then pretending to nibble on them. 

She giggles and coos as Laurel begins unfastening the straps securing her in her rocker. 

“Our favorite time!” Michaela exclaims in that voice that she only uses with Wesleigh. 

Laurel picks her up and places her on her shoulder. She turns and begins walking to the living room knowing already that Michaela is right behind her. The pink mat with blue stars is already laid out on the floor in front of the TV. Laurel walks over to it and bends down, lifting Wesleigh up again and turning her so that her stomach is face down “Alright, Princess.” She says as she places her on the mat “Off you go.” She stays down for a moment and watches her flail her little arms and legs in the air as she tries to roll over. 

She chuckles and stands up, turning and walking over to the couch to join Michaela “One day she’s going to be able to roll over.” Laurel says as she leans back on the couch and watches Wesleigh.

“And then she’ll be crawling and walking and then graduating high school and moving out.” Michaela replies sadly and Laurel nods.

“What am I gonna do then?” she asks without taking her eyes off of her daughter. 

She only turns to look at Michaela when she feels her hand on her shoulder “You’ll still have me.” She says reassuringly and Laurel only half smiles, doesn’t respond. 

She doesn’t honestly know if she believes Michaela when she says things like this, that she’s going to be around even after Wesleigh isn’t or even that she wants to be. Laurel is still surprised that she’s managed to remain this close for a year and gets scared sometimes that she’ll wake up in the morning to find Michaela’s not there or that she’ll leave one day and never come back. That she’ll decide that Laurel and Wesleigh aren’t enough or that they’re too much and that she deserves better in part because there is nothing remotely interesting about their life and also because the last time she cared about someone to the point that she could picture a forever with them they ended up dead. 

Laurel doesn’t even speak thoughts like that into existence because she cannot fathom losing Michaela the way she lost Wes but still the fact that there is nothing holding Michaela to her makes the reality that she might one day tire of them and want to move on all the more real in her head. She does not love Michaela in that way or rather doesn’t know if she loves Michaela in that way because they’ve never spoken about their relationship on that level but she loves how things feel when Michaela is around.

She loves the way Michaela smells after she’s just gotten out of the shower and is sitting on the end of her bed applying cocoa butter to her skin. She loves the fact that Michaela is always warm and never complains when Laurel finds a spot or crevice to tuck her cold feet whenever they are in bed. She loves the way her voice rasps in the morning when Laurel knows she’s cranky but will still speak to her and Wesleigh anyways. She loves the way her brown eyes gloss over and get heavy when she’s tired and how she turns into a big kid that just wants to be snuggled and held. 

Laurel loves her mind and how they can get so caught up in a debate that they don’t realize they’ve been screaming until Wesleigh is crying from the noise. She loves how the Michaela she’s always known seems to be stripped away and she becomes vulnerable and gentle and kind when she’s with them. She loves how Michaela always knows exactly what she is feeling or wants to do or say or doesn’t want to do or say without ever needing verbal confirmation. And most importantly Laurel loves that Michaela loves Wesleigh.   
That she can look at her and watch her as she watches Wesleigh wiggle around on her stomach and see that glimmer in her eye and that smile on her lips almost identical to the one she uses when she’s looking at her that says that Wesleigh is the most wonderful thing she’s ever known. 

Laurel can admit all of this to herself, could probably go on for hours about all of the things that Michaela does that she loves, things that keep her mind occupied when she isn’t there and that make her completely forget how to think when she is. She feels no shame in loving everything that Michaela is because she is amazing and Laurel knows that without her she would not have made it this far and her baby would not laugh as hard as she does and she would not have anyone to share these moments with.   
What she cannot admit or what she’s unsure of is if she loves Michaela. 

Not in a friendly, sisterly kind of way but in a way that makes your heart thud against your chest and your knees go weak. A way that makes you want to spend all of your moments holding and kissing and telling that person that you love them so much that it gets annoying but is still always true. 

Laurel can look at Michaela and note every feature on her face and how beautiful she is but she does not tell her out loud. She can touch her and hold her and feel something inside of her that wants to keep her there, in her arms, forever but she never allows those moments to pass a certain time frame that would indicate such desires. She can accept her forehead kisses and cheek kisses and even shoulder kisses and wishes for her lips to be against hers instead but Laurel has never made the move or hinted to Michaela that that’s something she wants.

And it’s not because she doesn’t think she’s good enough because Laurel knows that she would be lucky to be in love with Michaela, she feels lucky just having her around as much as she is. It isn’t because she doesn’t want to complicate things because Michaela literally takes all of the mess in her life and untangles it so that things make sense and Laurel knows that would only increase if they were in a real, committed relationship. And it most definitely isn’t that Laurel feels as if Michaela might not feel the same way because even if she never says anything or makes any moves either there are still cuddles and compliments and kisses in questionable ways and places and Laurel catches her sometimes staring at her the way that Laurel stares when she thinks Michaela isn’t paying attention.

More than any other reason, Laurel is terrified that if she knocks down that last wall surrounding her heart and keeping Michaela out that she will lose her too because Laurel has never found love without losing it before. She doesn’t want to take the next step because she knows that if things don’t go how she wants them to or they have a change of heart somewhere along the line or God forbid something terrible happens again that she will not be the only person affected this time.

If Michaela leaves she isn’t just leaving Laurel, she’s leaving Wesleigh as well and she’s already prepared herself for the chance of Michaela leaving anyways but in those scenarios she is never the reason. It is always because Michaela made a decision on her own, not because Laurel did anything to push her away. 

Laurel has genuine fear about letting her guard down and committing to the possibility of falling in love with her best friend but even in the midst of those fears she cannot look at Michaela right now and deny that she would give anything to know what it would feel like to actually love her.

And looking at her right now she cannot ever imagine them getting to a place that is so bad that the relationship completely ruins the foundation they’d built before they’d ever been in love just like she cannot imagine Michaela ever leaving. 

Just like she always can, Michaela looks at Laurel and knows exactly what she’s thinking and exactly what to say next “What do you want to do? About us?” she asks and it’s so vague that any other person would be confused because there has never been a formal conversation or even a mention of an “us” but it is the two of them and they know one another so well that no mention or formal conversation has ever been needed for them to know. They are both so in sync with each other and on the same page that the only thing keeping them from moving into uncharted territory is a yes or a no. 

Or a move. 

Laurel knows the ball is in her court and that wall is up but it has become so weak since she began allowing Michaela into her space that it might as well not be there at all. She figures that if she is going to let anyone in she’d rather it be someone that gets her and if she ever has a chance of loving someone again the way she had then she wants that person to be Michaela Pratt, someone who has done nothing but proven her loyalty to Laurel since before Wesleigh had even been born. Someone who is beautiful and kind in all the right moments and strong in all of the necessary ones and who has never required an explanation or synopsis on who Laurel is to understand her completely. Someone who has never had children and has never really even had a mother but still loves Wesleigh like she’d go to the ends of the earth for her. 

She has always been here and she’s never given Laurel any reason to think that she won’t be in the future so she decides to knock down the wall and play the one move she’s been secretly dying to play for a while now. 

She takes a deep breath, places her hand on Michaela’s neck and runs her thumb along her skin there gently before leaning forward. And Laurel doesn’t have to say anything for Michaela to know what to do next. They meet in the middle, their lips touching softly and Laurel didn’t think that she could feel any closer to Michaela but at first kiss she is introduced to an entirely new side of this person that she has decided she wants to fall in love with. 

She is not in love immediately, not yet, but now Laurel knows that she can add kissing to the long list of things that she loves about Michaela.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait for this, life has been crazy. Also, I tried to think of someone that Michaela and Laurel know that they might trust to watch Laurel's kid an came up blank so let's just pretend Laurel's family is competent enough to handle it.

It's only been four hours since Laurel's family came to pick Wesleigh up to spend the day with her. She'd planned a big, special day for them filled with adult activities that they hadn't been able to do since they'd started dating four months prior because of the baby and school and life in general. It was supposed to start at 9 that morning with breakfast reservations at some place Analise had recommended but after they'd said their goodbye's to Wesleigh and gave her to Laurel's sister they ended up going back to bed and sleeping through them.

So breakfast was a bust but they managed to get up early enough to get showered and dressed to make it to the 11 o'clock showing for a movie they'd both been dying to see. That is until a wave of something came over Michaela that made her feel like she would've rather seen her girlfriend naked in the privacy of their apartment than clothed at the movies. So plans for a two hour movie turned into two hours of “let's see if this piece of furniture is sturdy enough to have sex on”.

Now, Laurel has her head buried between Michaela's legs and the only thought circulating in her head is that she's about to reach what feels like her millionth orgasm that day. Laurel doesn't stop what she's doing until she's there and she has her tensing up and practically screaming her name. She kisses her inner thigh gently and Michaela shudders, still trying to catch her breath. Laurel rests her head against one of her thighs and simply stares at her, a lustfully sweet look in her eyes that says she enjoyed that as much as Michaela did.

Michaela giggles and grabs her arm “Come here.” she says while simultaneously pulling her up until Laurel's naked body is pressed up against her own. Once she's close enough to her face Laurel leans forward and places a kiss to Michaela's lips.

They ended up on the couch somehow so it's a tight fit but Michaela doesn't mind it and she doesn't think Laurel does either. She turns her head and puts it on Michaela's shoulder, snuggling closer so that her nose and lips are just at the base of her neck. Michaela wraps one arm around Laurel's waist and brings her free hand up to gently run her fingers through her hair.

Things are silent for a moment and that's okay until Michaela feels her sigh in her arms and then say “I'm sorry.” softly. The words tickle her throat.

She closes her eyes and sighs as well. She's used to Laurel by now constantly apologizing for things. She asks “For what?” anyways.

Laurel doesn't say anything at first, instead she drags her finger along Michaela's bare collar bone absent-mindedly until finally she says “I know you had a lot of fun stuff planned for us and we don't really get much alone time or any alone time at all and so I'm just sorry we ended spending our first day without the baby in this apartment like we always do.”

Michaela smiles and brings her other hand up so that she can place it on the side of Laurel's face. She brings her head up so that she can see her green eyes and shakes her head “I hate when you apologize for stupid things.” she says and Laurel sucks her teeth.

“Missing the plans you made is not a stupid thing! And I was actually looking forward to spending time with you out in the real world. But apparently we're so stuck in our routine that we can't even attempt trying something different.” She pouts and Michaela brings her hand up and runs her thumb across her bottom lip.

“Well I beg to differ. Sleeping in past six in the morning was definitely different and I've never made you come in so many places, so loudly in this apartment before so that was fun.” She jokes and Laurel laughs “And if anyone should be sorry it's me for pulling you back inside right before we were about to leave for the movie.”

“Well if I had spoken up around the third time we might've been able to see at least some of it.”

Michaela brings her hand back to the side of Laurel's face and cups it gently “Then I guess we're both to blame.” she says as she runs her thumb along Laurel's cheek.

At first she'd been a little bothered that they'd missed out on their plans too because she'd been excited that her and Laurel were actually going to have a day where they could go out and be a real couple. Where she would be able to hold her girlfriend's hand as they walked because her arms would be free for once and they could sit at a table and have a full conversation over a well-prepared meal or get through an entire movie without falling asleep or being interrupted by crying. She might've even been a little annoyed when she'd woken up that morning to see that it was well past 9 but when she turned over and saw how peaceful Laurel looked as she slept it was all suddenly okay.

She reaches behind her until she finds Laurel's hand and laces their fingers together “The breakfast and movie dates and all that it sounds like a good time in retrospect but I got way more of your attention than I would've ever gotten had we gone out in public.” Laurel laughs again. She takes her arm and places it on Michaela's chest so that she can rest her chin on it. Michaela brushes the strands of hair hanging loose in front of her face behind her ear “We're going to have lots of time to be together outside of this apartment but even if we didn't just being with you like this would be enough.”

Michaela isn't the only one that's changed since being with Laurel. She can see it in the way that Laurel doesn't argue with her reassurances, the way her face softens as she lays her head back down and relaxes again. Before, Michaela knows that she never thought her and Wesleigh alone were enough no matter how many times Michaela tried to convince her of it. That she didn't need some activity planned for every day of the week in order to want to be around them or that a change in scenery wasn't necessarily something that she absolutely needed to have. But now that things have been the way they've been for the past four months Laurel is starting to let some of her misapprehension and doubt about where Michaela stands on being with her go. Sure, she still apologizes when she doesn't need to and she tries to go out of her way to do the things that she thinks girlfriend's have to do or that Michaela wants but at least now when she tells her that all she needs is her and Wesleigh she believes it.

“We should at least find something else to do since we missed out on the other stuff.” she says while looking up at Michaela.

“I'm actually starving.” Michaela admits and Laurel sits up.

“God, I thought it was just me.” Michaela sits up too and shakes her head “Should I make something?” She asks.

“I can do it.” she offers and Laurel sighs relieved.

“Good. You're a much better cook than I am.” She leans forward and kisses her quickly before standing up and walking to the back towards the bedroom.  
Michaela gets up too and walks over to the hamper of clean laundry in the hallway by the bathroom door. She digs through it until she finds a Middleton t-shirt. She isn't sure if it belongs to her or Laurel but she puts it on anyway and then proceeds to walk to the kitchen.

She goes through the fridge and cabinets and grabs everything she needs for spaghetti, pretty much the only decent thing she knows how to make though Laurel never admits it. She places a sauce pan on the stove top and turns the fire to medium just as Laurel comes up behind her and wraps her arms around her waist.

Michaela leans back a little and lifts her head up so that Laurel can rest her chin on her shoulder “Have you heard from your mom or anybody since you talked to them last?” she asks just as Laurel's phone beeps.

She goes into the pocket of her hoodie to check it, keeping one hand still wrapped around Michaela's waist “Oh babe look...” she coos and Michaela turns her head slightly over her shoulder to see what Laurel is trying to show her.

It is a photo of Wesleigh wrapped up in a red beach towel sitting on someone's lap wet and happy. Her smile makes Michaela smile almost immediately “She is such a little cutie.” she says, turning and facing Laurel fully and bringing her arm up closer to her face so that she can see the picture better.

Laurel sighs “I know. Is it wrong that I'm a little jealous that she looks like she's having fun without us?” She asks and Michaela shakes her head.

“Nope. I understand completely.” She leans forward and kisses Laurel's forhead gently. Laurel locks her phone and puts it back in her pocket before wrapping her other arm around Michaela's waist again “You're doing really well so far though. She's been gone for four hours and you've only called to check on her twice. I didn't think you would let her spend the day with your family at all.” she says and Laurel chuckles.

“Just because we like being cooped up here doesn't mean she has to be. But if I'm being honest it's taking everything I have not to go and pick her up right now.”

Michaela wraps her own arms around Laurel's waist and pulls her closer. She shakes her head “Then let's get your mind off of it.” She moves her head to the crook of Laurel's neck and kisses it gently.

Laurel giggles “You're not hungry anymore?” She teases.

Michaela lifts her head up and takes her by her chin “I am.” she whispers before placing her lips to Laurel's. She reaches behind her and finds the knob on the oven. Without turning her head she turns it to the right until it clicks off.

She takes both of her arms again and places them on Laurel's ass, pulling her closer as they kiss. She pulls away and opens her eyes so that she can watch Laurel. She takes her hands and tucks them beneath the waist band of her sweat pants to feel her skin.

Michaela bites her lip as she falls into her own sunken state of pleasure from the weight of everything happening at the moment. How soft she feels and how beautiful she looks and how good she smells. And when she whimpers gently Michaela's heart begins beating so fast that she can hear it in her ears. Every sense in her body lights up and she is breathless but alive.

She searches Laurel from head to toe thinking of everything she wants to do to her. Thinking of everything she can do to her and then thinking how unbelievably lucky she is to have this privilege at all. To make love to Laurel Castillo. To make her swoon, melt, cry.

Michaela gets to do all of that and the best most unbelievable part is that Laurel wants it from her. She holds tight now to Michaela's face and places kisses across her cheeks and on her lips. Sbe whispers her endearments, “Baby” and simple but sultry “Michaela” as her hands venture from Laurel's ass to in between her legs. And when she spreads her apart and feels how wet she is for her Michaela knows that Laurel really wants this.

Michaela kisses her lips “Tell me what you want.” She teases as she presses against her with the hand she has in between her legs.

Laurel just smiles sweetly, pulls Michaela's face closer to her own until their noses are brushing against one another and their lips are just inches apart. She keeps her eyes open as Laurel closes her own and rests her forehead against hers. Michaela can feel the mood changing fast the way it does sometimes with them, when Laurel is worried or upset or angry.

She doesn't know what it is this time but she takes her hands from beneath the waistband of her pants and places them both on Laurel's shoulders. She pushes her back gently so that she can look at her to figure out what the problem is “Tell me.” she says again in a voice that is only laced with concern now.

Laurel swallows and opens her eyes, she looks at her and Michaela knows immediately before she even begins to explain.

“I just...I want this. I want you.” She says hoarsely.

“You're afraid.” Laurel nods as Michaela sighs and lets her hands cascade down from her shoulders until she finds a place for them on her waist. She gets like this sometimes, irrational and nervous like someone or something inside of Michaela is going to swoop in and take her away from them. Michaela is happy that at least now Laurel is willing to admit that to her and Michaela can make her feel better about it but she knows the fear never really goes away. She just forces it down deeper and holds it in until the next moment when everything is too perfect and she becomes anxious again.

Laurel blows out of her mouth “The way you and I are right now...that's how it was when I was with Wes. Things felt a lot like this only this, it's so much better. I want you and I need you and I live for these moments. For every moment I get to have with you really but it all feels too good to be true and I can't help holding my breath waiting for the catch.” Michaela can see the guilt eating away at her and knows that she feels terrible on top of everything else because she is always interrupting their moments with her pessimistic “What if's”.

Michaela feels guilty too because she knows that she can't help it. She knows that it all comes from a place of reality, that the pain with Wes was just as real as the love and that she never saw any of it coming. And Michaela doesn't want Laurel to feel afraid, like she has to constantly be on guard or like she can't fall too deep because one day something could happen and Michaela might not be there to catch her like they both want her to be. Michaela wants to tell her that this is forever, that she won't leave or be taken like Wes was but the truth is that no one can gauruntee that.  
“I could tell you that I'm going to be here forever but you're not going to believe it are you?” She asks and Laurel shakes her head.

“It's not the truth.” she says sadly.

Michaela takes a deep breath “You're right. It isn't the truth. I can't promise you a forever that I don't have to give. I can't say that nothing bad will ever happen, that we'll always be like this, that one day years from now we won't wake up and be different. I can't fix what happened to Wes and I can't change what it's done to you. We both know it. But we also know that the only reason it even matters is because we have something right now that feels so special and real and amazing that if it were to ever end the pain would be unimaginable. It's not just you, I feel that too. I think about it sometimes when I'm watching you, think about all you do and all you are. I want to be everything for you, Laurel. You make me want that and I would give anything in this world just to have forever with you. And when I think about the possibility that we may never see that, it hurts. But that doesn't mean we stop trying, it doesn't mean we have to fixate on it. We might hurt each other someday, God forbid something could happen to one of us, and this could all come crashing and burning but that's just a possibility right now. What's real is me holding you.” she pulls Laurel closer to her “And kissing you.” she places her lips gently to hers and pulls away. When she sees Laurel smiling she smiles “Making you happy. Being with you. You in general. All of the things that feel like a fairytale sometimes those are the things that are real and the nightmares are just that. What happened to Wes was horrible and I'm so sorry you had to go through that but I am not him and the two of you were not us. We don't have to have the same fate and even if it's all up to chance I think if we hold a little tighter to this beautiful reality we've got together maybe things will be okay.”

Laurel sighs and nods. She brings her hand up to Michaela's face and strokes her cheek gently “I'm the girl that can't get past her insecurities long enough to appreciate how lucky she is.” She says.

Michaela smiles softly and leans closer to Laurel so that the tips of their noses are touching again “You're the girl that I'm in love with.” she whispers and closes her eyes.

Michaela thinks she might literally hear her breath hitch before she asks “You're in love with me?”

She doesn't open her eyes, just nods and holds tighter to her waist “You knew that, though you just didn't want to let yourself believe it.” she says as she sways them back and forth.

Laurel doesn't argue or disagree and Michaela knows it's because it's true. She may question everything and pretend to be apprehensive when it comes to their relationship but deep down she's always known. Michaela has always been her’s since all of this started, since Wesleigh was just a fetus on a sonogram picture and maybe even before then. Before either one of them ever even figured it out she was in love with her and as long as Michaela has some say in it that's not going to change.

“I love you too.” she says and even though it's the first time she's ever heard Laurel admit it deep down Michaela has always known too.

**Author's Note:**

> Wesleigh is kind of a corny name but honestly are any of us expecting the HTGAWM writers to make Laurel have this baby an d not name it Wes?


End file.
